Letting Go of Big Ideas
In 2017, when I was 18, I moved from my home country of England to the Netherlands. There wasn’t too much thought behind it. I wanted to study and I wanted an adventure. The Netherlands were the easiest option. Inadvertently the country started feeling like my home, and slowly I started to feel more comfortable in mainland Europe than in England. All of my friends were there, culturally it became more familiar and everything made sense.
Then in 2020, Brexit happened and I lost my European citizenship. Being British in Europe became more complicated.
It was a nightmare. When I first arrived back in the Netherlands, the border control made me feel unwelcome in my home and as if I was up to some illegal business. I had to get a residence permit and (supposedly) had limited time in other Schengen countries. This was super uncool.
I decided then that the best course of action for the future would be to attain a Dutch passport. It would take approximately five years before I could apply, and another year to go through the naturalisation process. Easy, I thought. I would be European again, and all of my problems would go away. I would have to renounce my English Citizenship, but this wasn’t a problem. I never planned to live in England again..
This is the narrative I was telling myself for the last four years.
However, recently everything changed.
I was about to move into a new place in the Netherlands. I had been hunting for a new room for the best part of two years with minimal success. Finally something came up, my own room in an abandoned school building. I was incredibly excited. My own space!!
One week before I was due to move in, it fell through. Because I didn’t speak fluent Dutch, I was not allowed to sign the contract (which is utter bullshit). I was devastated. The subsequent emotional release was pretty heavy, but I felt fresh afterwards. For the first time in a while, it felt like I could question the stories I was telling myself for the last four years.
Maybe my future wasn’t in the Netherlands. Maybe a Dutch passport wasn’t the correct course of action. Maybe this idea was actually holding me back?
I played with these thoughts for a while, and eventually things started to open up. Europe is my home, but there’s other ways to gain residence and live here without getting the passport. Plenty of people seem to manage it, so why not me?
The more I thought, the more I realised…
I don’t even like the Netherlands that much. Sure, I have plenty of lovely friends and the country is familiar, but there’s no excitement there for me. Every time I leave, I feel far happier. When I return, it always feels grey and unhappy. It’s safe and secure and easy, but does that make a place nice? Not for me.
Detaching from pre-established narratives I had been telling myself was liberating. Suddenly the whole world was at my fingertips. I didn’t feel constrained anymore. I gave up my room in the Netherlands, and came to Portugal for a couple of months to have an adventure.
At some point this year, I’ll return to the Netherlands to work for a couple of months. But this will be my last year there. Then we’ll see. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m excited.
Letting go of big ideas is tough. Questioning assumptions, embracing change, and staying reflective and honest with oneself is confronting and difficult. It took me almost four years to get over myself and allow the space for change, but now that it's happened, I'm filled with excitement for the adventures that lie ahead.
My partner and I plan to apply for New Zealand working visas and see whats up there for a while. Step away from everything we know and gain some new perspectives and experiences. Maybe I’ll return to the UK for a while and discover something there that I missed when I was growing up.
Embracing uncertainty is daunting. Surely I can survive and thrive anywhere. Why restrict myself to one place or one idea? Realistically, I have no idea whats to come - some lovely things and probably some shit things.
Regardless of what happens, I’m excited for the adventure.
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